Today has been a tough day. When I started living healthier, one of the things I remember reading was to approach Monday in a new way. I've tried to do this since I read those words. Instead of seeing Monday as an end to something, I try to see it as a new chance for a fresh start. I am not always successful at this positive outlook when the alarm goes off on Monday morning, but I think its a good philosophy to try and live by.
I went back to work today for the first time since being diagnosed. I thought a return to something normal would be positive. But as I drove to Laurinburg this morning it became increasingly evident that doing normal things would not bring normal back into my life. At least not the normal I once knew.
For the past 24 hours I have had increasing physical pain for the first time since being told I have cancer. At first, I could pretend it wasn't actually a part of my life. I felt healthy and had no evident symptoms even though I knew from pathology, PET scans and doctors there is a tumor in my esophagus. As long as I felt good physically, I could pretend everything is "normal".
Today as I worked at my desk, it became clear to me "normal" as I knew it is gone. A constant ache in my chest and back reminds me that I am not as healthy as I thought I was months ago, when I was working hard to lose weight and get stronger. My anemia is getting worse and that makes me weak and tired. By the middle of the day, I could barely hold my head up and was exhausted just walking to the bathroom. This is difficult for me as I was proudly doing 8 miles of cardio at the gym just a few months ago.
I worked so hard to get healthier, stronger, happier than I've ever been in my life and it has all been taken away from me. Its like I was given a taste of everything I've wanted for years, I felt how happy and confident it would make me and then I was punished by having it ripped out from under me in an instant. Like some cruel joke it was replaced with this thing called esophageal cancer. That makes me angry and I want so badly to understand what I did so to deserve this!
When I finally got home from work today, I was mentally drained and physically weak. I sat down and cried in front of Abbi for the first time since this happened. I've tried to be so strong for her because this has changed her life as much as it has mine. She should not have to lose her "normal" because I have cancer. No matter what happens, my instinct is to take care of her first and then take care of me, but as she stood over me rubbing my head and telling me it would be alright I realized how cruel and unfair life can be.
I know that I have to stay strong and positive if I am going to beat this and I pray tomorrow will bring back my fighter instinct, but tonight I hurt both physically and emotionally. I've lost my normal and that pisses me off.