THE BENCH

During my weeks of radiation at Duke I had some really difficult, lonely moments. I have written about this experience before but was reminded of it Friday and it has been overwhelming for the past days. One morning while waiting for the valet to bring my car after treatment, a nice gentleman sat beside me on the bench and started chatting. We had passed each other many early mornings headed to the same place, for the same reasons and he always had a calming presence and smile. I noticed this from the first time I saw him, maybe because I felt NONE of those feelings at the time myself. I was sad, scared and alone. Over the next weeks, the time I spent getting to know him and his wife were truly life changing. Spending time with them helped my difficult time at Duke seem less frightening. I’ve always considered him my “Angel” who came to my bench and into my life that day because his strong presence was needed so badly. I needed his positive outlook in those days to help change my view of the experience I was going through. I needed his strength, faith and calming heart sitting beside me each morning on that bench. I looked forward to conversations with him and his wife, Kathy. They both were such a positive influence, and still are today. Even while he was fighting for his health and his life, they managed to continue their lives, careers and responsibilities, while being together. Cancer did not dictate their life like it seemed to do mine at the time. In fact, their influence led me to finish my degree during that time. I needed one more class for a degree after many stops and starts to my college journey. I completed it online while at Duke during those months.  Several years ago, when I found out his battle was over I felt a tremendous and overwhelming loss. I realized when I attended his funeral that while he may have been my special Angel in my little world, that was just who he honestly was. He impacted so many lives in the same positive, loving way. There are so many Larry stories similar to the one I have. I’m thankful for mine!

Many days I still think of him or his wife. Some days, I remember some little thing he said to me during that time and I feel his positive energy or I remember conversations with his wife and her encouraging words for me. She barely knew me, yet made me feel like she was listening to and believed in me, at a time I didn’t believe in myself, or believe in much of anything quite honestly. Over the past months I have not felt that positive presence in my life. I’ve let politics, negative behavior and a pandemic take all of my happiness away.  I feel trapped and miserable working from home and worrying anytime I leave the house. Covid isolation has not been good for my mental health or my physical health. For a time I was in a downward spiral and afraid I couldn’t stop it before I crashed. Witnessed by many on social media and my family. I’ve been scared to death of a virus taking my life when I’ve worked so hard battling cancer multiple times to save it. I lost myself somehow in all of the social injustice, political hate and fear. Then on Friday afternoon, I was thrown a curve ball that I was not prepared for.  I went to Duke thinking that my C journey was finally coming to an end. Prepared to say goodbye to treatments, scans, needles and nurses. It has been a long 10 years between several serious illnesses and recoveries. I was prepared to say “see you next year” to my care team and celebrate. But that isn’t what happened. I got some news that wasn’t what I expected and so it seems my battle will continue. I’ll have scans and tests on Thursday and know more afterward, but right now I’m just numb and frankly tired of fighting. 2021 should’ve been my “BYE CANCER” year.  But it started with some continuing difficulties from my esophagectomy and a recurring skin cancer diagnosis. Now I have a likely breast cancer recurrence. After receiving this unexpected news, I had to fight to keep it together and get through the appointment. I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare and couldn’t wake up. As I waited for Spencer to pick me up outside of the cancer center, I found myself on my and Mr. Larry’s bench and this time I was alone. I looked at the empty space beside me and wished he were sitting there to give me the positive words I needed at that moment. What would he tell me? Would he show me how to rediscover strength or faith that I hoped I’d never need again? I could almost feel him beside me, but then saw the empty spot where he used to sit. I felt a flood of emotions. I have learned when you pay attention to experiences in your life, your “angels” will surround you when they are needed, even if you can no longer actually see them with your eyes. I wrote all of this to allow myself to face the days ahead with knowledge of my history, my previous strength when needed to overcome my battles and my ability to not give up, even when I feel like I have no fight left in me. I do appreciate prayers, positive energy and thoughts in the coming days. Sometimes life is funny and makes you laugh. Sometimes life is cruel and makes you cry. But I have to remember life gives you memories, experiences and people to help you get through it all. 🙏🏼💕