One of the toughest things I have had to learn over the past weeks is how to let things go. By nature, I have always wanted to "fix" the people and things around me.
One of the first things my GI doctor told me when he gave me my original test results was "It is important for you to make yourself a number one priority." I thought I'd know how to fight for myself because I'm so good at fighting for others, but it hasn't been that easy. I have no idea how to put myself first.
Not once have I felt sorry for myself during this time. I've tried to stay positive and make the best decisions in order to get through this and on the other side of it. I am amazed and so blessed to have the wonderful support and the many prayers from friends and strangers. Its overwhelming to say the least. It has also been difficult to accept this outpouring of support at times. If you have known me for any amount of time, you know that I am very hard on myself. No one loves beating myself up more than me. I'm better at it than any of my enemies. There have recently been times that I have thought I don't deserve all of the support because what I am going through must surely be God's way of punishing me for all of the "bad" things I have done in my life. A part of me feels that this is my sentenence for my past mistakes both big and small. That is the part that has been so difficult to let go.
I have made so many mistakes in my life. I have hurt people and I have been hurt. I'll bet there is not a person out there who hasn't made mistakes becuase none of us are perfect, but I beat myself up forever over my past mistakes - big or small.
I'm trying to learn that I've punished myself enough for my past mistakes and now its time to let it all go and move forward. I am a good person. I am a caring person and I deserve the best chance in the world to get through this illness and live a healthy, happy life. If someone believes otherwise, its time to remove them from my life, pray for them and let it go.
As tomorrow approaches, I can't help but be nervous and scared about my future. I honestly don't know what the next days, weeks and months will bring but I do know I've made the best decision I can for my health and well being in hte long term and now I have to put the rest in God's hands.
I have been blessed in so many ways recently and those are the thoughts and blessings I'm choosing help to carry me forward. The next days and weeks will require every ounce of strength I have and negative thoughts and hurtful people can no longer have room in my head and heart. Its time for me to learn that I cannot fix everything and everyone around me so now I'm concentrating "fixing me".
One of my former co-workers gave me a tiny box with several dolls. They are Guatemalan Worry Dolls. The legend is that people in Guatemala, especially children use the dolls to help shed their worries. You tell each doll one of your worries, then place the doll under your pillow before you go to bed as you say a prayer. The doll will take away your anxiety for that worry and leave you to sleep peacefully waking the next morning with the worry behind you. I will be sleeping with the dolls under my pillow tonight.
I have felt the love and prayers each day as I approach my surgery and it helps me let go of all the other stuff. I know that God has this and the only thing left for me to do is be ready to work hard at recovering so that I can live a full, meaningful life. Tomorrow is my second chance to begin a new "normal". I'm ready.
Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved