Cancer Sucks - Life Interrupted

My first experience with cancer was during my teen years when my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Eventually, the cancer spread to the bones and although she fought a long hard battle, cancer won the war.  I didn't really understand what cancer meant at that time but I knew I hated the word.  At 17 years old, I drove my Nanny to Pinehurst and waited while she had chemotherapy treatment.  I'll never forget how sick she was and how hard she battled for her life during that time.  I'll also always remember the last time I saw her and how much it hurt to lose someone I loved so much before I was ready.

My next personal experience with cancer was when my aunt was diagnosed with a form of leukemia.  She battled cancer for years and thought she had beat it several times.  I thought if anyone could win against this disease it was Faye Carpenter.  She was the toughest person I knew, but in the end cancer won the war.  This time, I watched cancer take an emotional toll on my daughter when she lost her favorite aunt and someone who she had such a close relationship with.  That was one of the most difficult times of our life and I prayed I would never again have to see my daughter experience the pain of knowing someone she loves has cancer.

Almost a year to the date of my Aunt Faye's death, cancer deicded to attack my family again.  This time the battle is with me.  Now, that word I hate so badly, the word that has taken so many of my loved ones is now trying to take me on.  If you know me, you know I often joke that things rarely go "my way".  I seem to have to fight harder than most for everything and my life has been one hard knock after another.  Some of this is my own fault and the result of bad decisions and some of it just dropped into my life for reasons unknown.  I've often complained that my life is difficult, that I have to fight for every little thing and that I always seem to need to work harder than most for much less.   I know now that was God's way of making me strong and preparing me for this battle. 

For as far back as I remember I have worked 2 jobs, sometimes 3 to support my little family.  I always took for granted the thought that things were going along well, that I was making it and my life was "working".  I never realized that things were fine as long as every little thing went as planned without interruptions or unexpected problems.  Every once in awhile a little snag would come along but I was able to figure out a way to get by and keep moving forward.  Then came cancer.  I'm learning that cancer is nothing like the little snags in my life plan I have experienced before.  Cancer tries to not only destroy your body, but your financial state, your emotional state and the entire life you have taken for granted.

I hate that cancer is making my life so difficult.  I hate that it has interrupted my plans and taken away my ability to make decisions.  I know I'm going to need to get past the anger of how this disease is trying to destroy my life and I'm going to learn to handle this and keep battling.  I can learn to be tougher than I was.  The one thing I hate more than what cancer is doing to me is having to watch what MY cancer is doing to my family.  I can handle just about anything.  I can deal with what cancer is trying to do to my life, but when I see cancer hurt my family it makes me more angry than anyone can imagine.  

I have always tried to take care of the people in my life.  I try to make everyone happy.  It bothers me when people around me are sad or in need.  This characteristic has gotten me in trouble more times than I'd like to admit, but its my nature and I'm not sure it will ever change.  I don't really know how to put myself first or take care of me and that will probably be one of the hardest lessons throughout this.  I want to make everything OK for the people I love.  I feel a tremendous amount of guilt when I see the burdens they are dealing with because of me. I'm not sure how to deal with those emotions. I don't like that cancer is trying to take over my life but I HATE that it is trying to destroy the happiness of the people I love the most.

I saw a poster recently with 2 powerful words - "Cancer Sucks".  That about sums it up.  This disease is evil and can strike anyone without notice, but it doesn't stop with the one whose body it invades.  It takes over the lives of everyone around its target and for that I hate cancer!

I'm a Lucky Girl!

The past week of my life has been a roller coaster ( I don't like roller coasters by the way).  One minute I'm scared, the next I'm brave.  One day I'm hopeful, the next I'm angry.  I can't seem to contain my emotions and they can swing in any direction at any given moment without notice.  People say its normal to go through a range of emotions when you are diagnosed with a horrible disease, but that doesn't make it better when you're in the middle of the storm.

Lately, the fear that I may miss out on some of the life I've planned has been constantly on my mind.  It makes me bitter to think that I may not be able to live to see all the good things I had planned or I thought may happen in my future.

Today I have decided  to temporarily let that fear go.  Instead of worrying about the things I may not enjoy in the future, I'm going to list some of the great things and experiences I have already been blessed with in my life.  I have been sad when thinking about what cancer may take from me and its easy to forget all of the wonderful things I've already experienced when my heart is full of fear.

But in my 40+ years, I have had lots of great experiences and I know if for some reason I don't pull through I have had a blessed life.  I'm a lucky girl!

Things that have made my life full of happiness, fun and adventure.

I am a mom!  - I have the most wonderful daughter any mom could as for.  We have such a special bond because its been just the two of us for her whole life.  This is absolutely the best experience of my life!

Pilot Lessons - I took flying lessons and learned to fly a plane.  I never got my license but if we were in a plane and there was an emergency I could probably remember how to get us back to the ground, hopefully alive with only some minor injuries. :)

Lived in Atlanta Georgia - After high school graduation I moved to Atlanta Georgia for awhile.  This was such a wonderful experience for someone who had never been more than 100 miles from home.  I learned so much about being independent.

Washed Elton John's dishes - He used to fly into Pinehurst when I worked at the airport.  I washed his dishes from his private jet when he stayed overnight.  I only broke 1 plate!  (which I'm sure cost more than my entire dinnerware set).

I was a parrothead - In my 20's I loved going to Jimmy Buffett concerts and became a parrotthead. I listened to Buffett the whole time I was pregnant and Abbi now loves his music and knows all the songs.  She can't wait until I take her to see him in concert.  That will be fun!!

Bermuda - One of the most beautiful places I've ever visited is Bermuda.  I've been 4 times and would go back in a minute if I had the chance!

I still attend the same church I grew up in.  The comfort I feel when I walk through those doors is a great feeling.

My best friend form childhood is still in my life.  We have many different friends and interests now that we are adults but I know she is always there and when we see each other after any amount of time it seems just like yesterday we were chasing frogs and swimming in the pond on a Sunday afternoon. 

Travel and Culture - I had the opportunity to travel to many places in my 20's.  It was such a great experience and taught me not only about geography but also culture.  Every place I visited I made sure to meet someone who lived there. Talking to local residents made my travel experiences so memorable.

Barbados and Maxi Priest - I visited Barbados and ended up in a tiny local bar as one of only 3 tourists.  Maxi Priest was visiting friends and just happened to be hanging out there.  He ended up singing.  It was right before his songs started being played on mainstream radio.  I've loved Maxi Priest since then.

Cruise Refugees - On a cruise to Mexico/Key West during the early 90's our ship picked up several cuban refugees on makeshift rafts trying to get to the US coast.  While the ship saved many, there were more rafts, tubes and other floating devices left empty from people who didn't make it.  That was an experience I'll never forget.

I met George Bush (the first one) at the White House -  I was chaperoning a school group and we were outside the fence at the White House lawn.  Suddenly, the President, Mrs. Bush and another couple just walked down to the fence and talked with us.  The kids were so excited and surprised.  It was great!

New Year's Eve in Cancun - I literally flew to Cancun on New Year's Eve for a party at a hotel and flew back the next day!

Spring Break with the girls - Last year, I, Abbi's friends and a couple of the moms had a girls getaway to the beach during spring break!!  We had a blast and laughed until our belly's ached.  I will never forget that special experience and I hope we get another chance to do it again!

Disney World - Our whole family went to Disney over Thanksgiving.  Many of the ones who went are no longer with us. It was 17 years ago and my dad still won't let us forget he didn't get to see the polar bears at Sea World because he had to hold Abbi who was only 6 months old.

Experienced a Broken Heart - This may seem like a strange thing to have on a great experiences list.  My heart has been broken more than once, and I wouldn't wish multiple borken heart on anyone.  However, I think that when your heart is broken once, it prepares you to never take love for granted.  You appreciate love more the next time because it helps your heart heal.  So for this, a broken heart was a good experience because when I fall in love next time, I will value it more.

I learned to take up for me and be strong when I wanted to give up.  (That skill should come in handy now).

Stood up for Abbi when she needed me to.

I still have both my parents with me.

I met Bob Ritchie (Kid Rock) - twice!

I met John Daly - Not sure if he was drunk or sober but he was so funny.  I have a soft spot in my heart for him and I'm still pulling for his next comeback!

Visited New York - Everyone should see NYC at least once in their life.

Saving Sam - Our dog Sam taught me so many lessons.  He showed up wounded and almost dead.  I never cared much for pets, but couldn't stand to see this sweet puppy suffering.  We saved his life and he became a member of our family.  Sam taught me to love animals more than I ever imagined.  He also gave me the gift of having compassion.  I miss him dearly, especially now when I wish he was snuggled up with me comforting me like he used to do.

Senior Computers - I was given the opportunity to teach a computer class for senior citizens recently.  I wasn't sure how it would go, but it turned out to be one of the most rewarding experiences of my life!

Getting healthier - In the past 2 years, I have lived a healthier lifestyle than ever before in my adult life.  I've lost weight, worked out and gotten stronger.  I know now it was God preparing me for the battle I am now facing!

I will be adding to this list in the future, but I realize now that no matter what the next weeks bring....I have lived a full and wonderful life with so many unique experiences and I am lucky!

Losing Normal

Today has been a tough day.  When I started living healthier, one of the things I remember reading was to approach Monday in a new way.  I've tried to do this since I read those words.  Instead of seeing Monday as an end to something, I try to see it as a new chance for a fresh start.  I am not always successful at this positive outlook when the alarm goes off on Monday morning, but I think its a good philosophy to try and live by.

I went back to work today for the first time since being diagnosed.  I thought a return to something normal would be positive.  But as I drove to Laurinburg this morning it became increasingly evident that doing normal things would not bring normal back into my life.  At least not the normal I once knew.

For the past 24 hours I have had increasing physical pain for the first time since being told I have cancer.  At first, I could pretend it wasn't actually a part of my life.  I felt healthy and had no evident symptoms even though I knew from pathology, PET scans and doctors there is a tumor in my esophagus.  As long as I felt good physically, I could pretend everything is "normal".

Today as I worked at my desk, it became clear to me "normal" as I knew it is gone.  A constant ache in my chest and back reminds me that I am not as healthy as I thought I was months ago, when I was working hard to lose weight and get stronger.  My anemia is getting worse and that makes me weak and tired.   By the middle of the day, I could barely hold my head up and was exhausted just walking to the bathroom.  This is difficult for me as I was proudly doing 8 miles of cardio at the gym just a few months ago. 

I worked so hard to get healthier, stronger, happier than I've ever been in my life and it has all been taken away from me.  Its like I was given a taste of everything I've wanted for years, I felt how happy and confident it would make me and then I was punished by having it ripped out from under me in an instant.  Like some cruel joke it was replaced with this thing called esophageal cancer.  That makes me angry and I want so badly to understand what I did so to deserve this!

When I finally got home from work today, I was mentally drained and physically weak. I sat down and cried in front of Abbi for the first time since this happened.  I've tried to be so strong for her because this has changed her life as much as it has mine. She should not have to lose her "normal" because I have cancer.  No matter what happens, my instinct is to take care of her first and then take care of me, but as she stood over me rubbing my head and telling me it would be alright I realized how cruel and unfair life can be.

I know that I have to stay strong and positive if I am going to beat this and I pray tomorrow will bring back my fighter instinct, but tonight I hurt both physically and emotionally.  I've lost my normal and that pisses me off.

Lessons I've Learned From Cancer In One Week

 It has taken a few days for the diagnosis to sink in.  At first I thought they possibly had my pathology results mixed up with someone else.  Every doctor I spoke with in the first days of this journey would tell me how surprised they were with the pathology.  I heard over and over how this type of cancer is generally found in older men, drinkers and smokers.  I am not a man, don’t smoke and only drink occasionally.  I refuse to call myself old so surely the pathologist confused my results with someone else. Maybe there was some poor old 70 year old man out there with cancer who didn’t know it because he had received my pathology results.  That could happen right?

During my first visit to UNC Hospital, I knew I was there because I have cancer but the radiology nurse was the first one to actually use the words “You are here because you have esophageal cancer.”  I think she was afraid I might hit her when she said it.  It was like she had just slapped me in the face without warning.  I had spent the past week reading everything I could find on the subject and I was ready for what they would tell me, or so I thought.  I handled myself well in the consultation.  I didn’t cry or scream or even throw things.  I listened to the doctor’s advice, the plan for treatment, the procedure of the surgery, recovery, after treatment and how it would change my life afterward.  I was composed as we talked about what to expect.  I was calm when I explained it to others during the next days.  It was almost like I was explaining the situation of someone I knew, not my own diagnosis.

Then the reality hit me yesterday.  I’m not discussing the condition of a friend.  This is me, my life, my diagnosis, my cancer, my fight. Cancer is inside of my body and it is trying to take me down.  I hear about someone battling cancer almost everyday.  It affects everyone I know in some way.  When you hear a friend or relative has been diagnosed you hurt for them, you want to help, you say you are sorry and you think you understand……but yesterday I realized I never really understood until it was me.

I am just beginning this battle.  The doctor’s have been honest in saying this is going to be a difficult battle.  Esophageal cancer is a tough one because you pretty much need your esophagus to live and they are removing mine.  I have a long way to go, but in the past week I’ve learned my first lessons from cancer.

 25 Things I Never Knew Before Cancer

1. Cancer is just a word for something going on in your body.  It doesn’t define who you are.
2. It is ok to be scared.  Cancer is a scary word.
3. It is ok to be angry.  Cancer can be a bitch and you have to learn to be a bigger bitch.
4. People want to help, but you often don’t know how to let them. You have to learn to accept help.
5. When you are diagnosed with cancer, your whole family is diagnosed.
6. You will find friends and support in people and places you never imagined.
7. Some people will disappear and that’s ok.
8. The things you worried about the day before you had cancer don’t really matter so much now.
9. The people who didn’t like you for whatever past reason don’t really matter now.
10. Life doesn’t stop because you have cancer.
11. Doctors don’t always agree with each other so you need to use your instincts about your body and ask questions.
12. Prayer works, even when others have to pray for you because you are angry with God at the moment.
13. Sometimes people ask strange or stupid questions, but they are just curious.
14. Sometimes people say strange or stupid things, but they are just confused.
15. Anybody can get cancer. Cancer is not picky.
16. Everyone makes mistakes, nobody is perfect.
17. You aren’t guaranteed tomorrow, so you’d better get everything out of life you can.
18. Life is too short to not take chances.
19. You can be replaced at work when you aren’t there, no matter how invaluable you think you are.
20. You never know how much you love someone until you realize your time with them may be limited.
21. Pathology and ultrasounds usually don’t lie.
22. Doctors sometimes struggle with telling you that you have the “C Word”, no matter how professional or smart they are.
23. You never know how strong you are until you have to gather all the strength you have to get through a storm.
24. You are loved no matter how many times you have felt unloved.
25. You can fight harder than you ever thought when you have no other choice.  You can beat cancer.

I’m sure there are more lessons to come and that’s ok.  I’m learning I can handle much more than I ever imagined because I have the best family, friends and support in the world.