This is the text from the message I
delivered to my church family on January 3, 2016. Please ignore the grammar as this is more of a "notes" than an exact presentation. I went off
script and basically used this as an outline, but I touched on every part
of this text. It was an honor to speak and hopefully someone came away
with something positive from the experience.
Good morning and Happy New Year.
Today is Epiphany Sunday. This time during the Christmas Season
represents the gifts brought by the Wise Men to the manger. It also marks
the end of the Christmas season. When I read about this I thought about
the Christmas season in today’s time verses the Christmas season during the
time of the birth of Jesus. We think of Christmas with excitement,
anticipation leading up to one specific day – Christmas Day. Then it is
often followed by a sudden letdown, like someone bursting a bubble.
Before this day, we have special church services, parties, gift giving and
goodies, but once the presents have been opened and we have had too much food
and celebration all in one day, we are left with a mess to clean up, sometimes
too many bills and stress from overindulging for just one day. But
according to biblical history. The Christmas season BEGINS with Christmas
Day, the day of Jesus’ birth and continues afterward for 12 days, celebrating
the joyous times ending with the epiphany, the journey to bring gifts to a
special baby. So today marks the last Sunday of the Christmas season and
the delivery of special gifts.
Back in the fall, Pat stopped me as I was
leaving a church dinner and said, “You need to tell your story and I would like
for you to do that on January 3rd.” This threw me for a loop
and I just looked at her and said, “Umm, I don’t think I can do that.”
She had said this to me several times before while visiting me after surgeries
or while I was hospitalized, but it never crossed my mind that there was even a
“story to tell. She asked me to think about it and I promised I would,
but I had absolutely no intention of speaking in front of a crowd, even my
church family whom I love dearly. I have recently been struggling with
horrible anxiety and panic attacks, I’ve been at probably the lowest point in
my life over the past few months, I’m emotional and more dramatic than usual,
which can be really dramatic. I’ve had days when I just struggled to get out of
bed and days when I truly felt like giving up on life itself. I was given
hormone medicine to deal with my cancer, then because of a reaction suddenly
taken off of them, leaving me all over the place, emotionally. I often
cry for no reason, yell at those who love me for no reason, seem irritated for
no reason and panic to the point of not being able to breathe. I’m not the
person that should be speaking in front of a crowd right now. But then
one day, several weeks after I was asked, I sent Pat a text message and told
her that I would speak on January 3rd if she still needed me to. As
soon as I pressed send on the phone, I thought what in the world have I
done? I actually sent this in the middle of the medication reaction which
caused me to do many irrational things over several days. But, Pat
was excited and I didn’t’ have the heart to tell her it was a mistake. So
here I am, a nervous wreck, up here speaking to you and I hope that I will get
through this without having an anxiety attack and that you will come away with
something positive by the end.
The past few weeks have been a struggle
for me trying to decide what to say, AND what not to say. I met with Pat
just before Christmas because I still had no idea what I was supposed to speak
about. When we met, I told her that I just didn’t know what she expected
me to say. She told me that the Sunday I would be speaking is Epiphany Sunday,
which was perfect because she wanted me to speak to you about the gifts I have
been given over the past several years. I thought, WELL SHE HAS the wrong
person. I’m sure the look on my face threw her for a loop but I thought
she must be crazy to think that I had been given any GIFTS in the past several
years. She had been right there and witnessed all that I have been going
through and she wanted me to talk to you about gifts?
Who am I to speak about some wonderful
gifts I’ve received? I told her that I just didn’t think I could do this
because right now in my life I’m not really in a good, positive place. If
I stand here and speak honestly, I feel broken. I feel bitter sometimes
and angry on many days. I’m tired, I feel physically sick most of the
time, and weak and frustrated. I’ve been diagnosed with cancer twice in
just over three years. I’ve had three major surgeries, nearly died and
had so many follow up procedures that required being put to sleep that I’ve
lost track. I could talk about losing my esophagus or part of my
breast. I could talk about going months without being able to eat or
drink, with a feeding tube attached to my body or living with several chest
tubes draining because of excessive fluid in my lungs. I could talk about
throwing up almost every day over the past years, or the exhaustion and sick feeling
from radiation. I could talk about being displaced from a job that I
loved. I could talk about all of the negative things. It is so easy
to have a pity party, but I have to talk about gifts? Pat smiled and said,
“Yes, speak about where you are right now in your life because sometimes the
gifts come when we are most broken”.
Over the next days I began to really think
about our conversation and what gifts I may have not recognized. So I am
going to tell you about my gifts in the midst of my struggles.
In 2012, I was diagnosed with Esophageal
Cancer, then Barrett’s Esophagus. I began a rollercoaster ride of
physical and emotional ups and downs that many people could not
comprehend. Three years later, just as I was beginning to feel like my life
was on the way back to “normal”, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The
first cancer nearly killed me physically, the second diagnosis has nearly
killed me emotionally.
There are so many cliché’s, catchphrases
and symbols related to cancer. These are often attempts to help make the
person struggling with cancer feel better about their situation. My first
experience with cancer was so different from my second. The first time,
my situation was rare and there weren’t many resources to help me learn what to
expect. Things moved so quickly after my diagnosis that I didn’t’ have time to
think, or process what was happening. I didn’t have much opportunity to
experience the whole “cancer support world”. I had many surgeries, things
went terribly wrong and I was left without cancer, but fighting for my life due
to the aftermath of having your esophagus removed, and having things go “wrong”
during the procedure. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt
like somebody hit me between the eyes and knocked me to the floor. When I
came to terms with hearing the word “cancer” again so soon, I thought “OK, you
know what to expect, let’s get moving”. I soon realized that breast
cancer is completely different from esophageal cancer. Things moved much
slower with breast cancer. I was diagnosed in May, and left waiting for
what seemed like an eternity for a plan of treatment. The first illness,
I had someone with me almost the entire time, it was almost mandatory. It
seemed like time stood still while I recovered. This time, I felt so
alone. I was on at a stand still, while everyone else’s life continued on
without me. Others lives do not stop because you have cancer and that was
difficult for me to handle. I know that I was not truly alone in
this, but I felt lonely and lost. During this waiting period was when I
began to be overwhelmed with the cancer cliché’s – and I began to despise them.
Some of them were:
It’s your journey – NO – It is like
someone has kidnapped me, locked me in the trunk and is taking me to a place
I’ve been before and would rather not return to.
Or
That which doesn’t kill you makes you
stronger – No, I was strong the first time, this time I’m weak, scared and feel
like I don’t have it in me to fight.
Or
Fight like a girl – Well I was always told
that “girls don’t fight” so where does that fit in?
Or
You’re a Survivor – Ok that one is true, I
AM just trying to survive through this nightmare, but I don’t think that is
what they mean.
And then there was so much pink – pink
shirts, pink hats, pink decals and stickers and bags. I tried so hard to
buy into the “pink”. I had pink shirts and notebooks and pens and bags
and bracelets, but the truth is, I never liked the color pink before my cancer
and now the color pink just makes me sick to my stomach sometimes.
And I’ve heard a million times “You look
great!” and “You don’t look sick”. I know it is always well meaning and
positive, but sometimes I’d just like to show you my insides so you can see how
messed up I really am. Trust me, you wouldn’t want me to “LOOK” as sick
as I am.
So here I am on this “journey”, trying to
convince myself that I’m strong and I’m a fighter and a survivor, all the while
I feel sick and frustrated and angry and scared. This was not the life I have
dreamed of. And it is not a battle I want. I’ve always struggled
with being a negative thinker. I’ve made so many mistakes in my
life. I’ve failed over and over again. I have a job that makes me
feel stuck with little chance for advancement. I have a lot of
uncertainty in my relationships and I have been battling with cancer for almost
4 years. I feel beat up and like a failure most of the time. It’s so easy
for me to recognize the negative, but I’ve had to work to change the way I
normally think over the past days so that I can get to a place where I can tell
you about some of the gifts.
1. When I returned to work after my first illness, I was placed in a
different job. I have struggled with this because I felt like I was being
punished for being sick. My dream had always been to have a job
that allowed me to travel so as I felt healthier, I thought more about finding
a new job. I stumbled across a job that really intrigued me. It was
traveling as an instructional software coach. I had teaching experience
and had given software instruction to adults, so I was excited at this
possibility. I applied for the job and went through 3 interviews, making
it to the final decision. I didn’t get the job. As upsetting as it
was, I now realize that God was giving me a gift. I have a stable job,
where I’ve been working for over a decade. I have health insurance and accumulated sick and paid days over time, which I would desperately need
later when I was diagnosed a second time with cancer. I had no idea at
the time, but now I see this was a gift from God. I'm thankful to have my job.
2. There have been times when I’ve had no idea how I was going to pay
bills, or financial obligations, especially since being ill. I’ve worried
many days and nights about my debt. God has provided for me each time
that I was to the point of not having enough. I’ve received anonymous
donations in mailed cards, gift cards for restaurants during days I was in
radiation and waiting for my paycheck to arrive. I was given a donation
from my church family just as I was trying to figure out how to pay for a hotel
during radiation. This is only an example of the wonderful financial
gifts I’ve received that eased the burden of the past few years. A gift from
God, through caring friends and even strangers.
3. I am a single mother. Raising a child alone is not easy, believe
me sometimes it was a huge struggle and I’ve felt like a failure more times
than I want to admit. God gave me the gift of a beautiful daughter that I was
able to provide for and help guide into a wonderful, successful young
woman. Looking at her now, I can see that this was God’s most precious
gift to me. I’m so thankful for this gift.
4. My parents sacrificed tremendously for me. Always seeming to
help me out of bad decisions and the obstacles of life as a single mom.
They were there without fail during my first illness and gave so much.
When I was diagnosed a second time, I was stubborn, trying to handle it alone
because I felt like such a burden. This stubbornness and determination
lead me to feel very alone and abandoned during my second cancer
situation. God gave me the gift of parents who are still with me and have
given unselfishly throughout my life and most recently during my illness.
They NEVER fail to be there for me supporting me and helping me along the way.
5. I was originally sent to UNC after my first diagnosis. I
decided to get a second opinion and called Duke. With that phone call,
God gave me the gift of a caring, knowledgeable, medical team that would see me
through years of healing. In particular, he led me to a nurse
practitioner named Kathy, who has been my biggest advocate and medical blessing
through all of this. When I was diagnosed with the breast cancer, the
first person I contacted was Kathy at Duke. Even though this wasn’t her
department, she immediately formed a team of surgeons and oncologists to help
me through my breast cancer. Kathy has been a blessing to me from the very
beginning and has become a lifelong friend. God gave me the gift of Kathy
being the one who answered my call to Duke that first day. She listened
to my story, took my case to the right doctors and has seen me through every
little medical issue since then.
6. God has also given me many angels on earth during this struggle.
The first was a lady who contacted me on Facebook just after my
first diagnosis. She is well known in the community, although I had never
met her before. She sent me a heartwarming message and asked to meet
me. Just prior to my first surgery, my mom drove me to a parking lot in
uptown Rockingham, where I met Cathy Wilson. She gave me a devotional
book, prayed with me and promised to keep me in her thoughts. She has
steadfastly been there to encourage me, pray for me and offer her loving
support, even in the midst of her own struggles and those of her family. She is a gift.
The second angel on earth was the emergency room doctor at Moore
Regional the night I was taken in, near death. Dr. Strobel, sat outside
of my door, constantly on the phone with Duke and worked tirelessly, along with
his team to keep me alive until the helicopter arrived. There were times
that even he was fearful I wouldn’t make it, but he never gave up on me.
A year after that night, I learned that Dr. Strobel not only had his church
family pray for me during the weeks after that night, but he continued to pray
for me with his family and check on my progress along the way through a mutual
friend. I’m alive today because of the gift of Dr. Strobel.
Along with Dr. Strobel that night in the ER, was another angel on
earth named Beth. I didn’t remember Beth from that night. The
doctors told me that they were going to put me on life support because I was
struggling too hard on my own. They couldn’t get me vented, and had to
call the heart center. I was completely out of it to the point that I
literally saw lights and was speaking to my Aunt who had passed away recently.
I think I might have been pretty close to the end. I don’t remember
anything after them telling me they were putting me on a ventilator.
Almost a year after that night, I ran into an old childhood friend, Beth.
She began talking about the night I was in the ER and how bad it was. I
learned that my childhood friend Beth and the nurse Beth were the same
person. She not only helped get the ventilator placed, but sat by my side until the helicopter arrived. Beth is a gift.
Back in the summer, my radiation was at 7am each morning, five
days a week for a month. I was miserable from the beginning. I
didn’t want to be there. I whined to myself how this wasn’t fair and I
was just angry with the world. I went every day and tried to put on the
brave face and smile, all the while feeling bitter. I watched people in
the waiting room, with loved ones and friends and I always felt so alone.
I would fight back tears so that the radiation team wouldn’t know how difficult
this was for me. One morning after a tough appointment I was waiting for
my car. I was irritated and beginning to get horrible anxiety. I
sat on a bench and could just feel the anger and resentment building as I
waited for the valet to bring my car. A man who I had spoken to each
morning in passing came and sat beside me. His name was Larry. Our
appointments were back to back so we saw each other every morning and always
said hello. We began watching people around us as we waited. I was
still irritated, but noticed a calmness in the man beside me. We watched
as people were arguing with the valets and security about their cars and the
traffic and how busy it was and how slow they were. Larry, in his
calm voice looked at me with a big smile and said, “I guess they’ve never dealt
with cancer like us, or they would realize how those little things don’t
matter”. I realized how I had been just as guilty of letting the little
things get to me as all of those around me, even as I was battling
cancer. Larry and I both were dealing with cancer, but Larry was so
positive and I was only seeing the negative. Larry, his wife and I ended
up spending quite a bit of time together during those weeks. Both of them
had a positive, calming outlook that carried me through some tough days.
As I got to know them, and opened up to them about my life I realized that
although our lives outside of cancer were completely different, we shared a
very strong bond. I still keep in touch with them today and know that God
sent Mr. Larry and Mrs. Kathy to me as a gift.
7. God has given me the gift of placing Spencer in my life. He
also has a calming, positive outlook on things which is such a good balance to
my negative, anxiety, overreacting self. I’m not sure how he can
sometimes handle me when I’m angry at some little thing completely out of my
control, or when I spontaneously burst into tears for no reason, or when I am
ready to just give up and move on because things aren’t perfect. No
matter what, he always remains calm, and is so sure everything will be ok, even
as I tell him how wrong he is.
God has given me a loving church family,
friends that continue to stay in my life even when I retreat and put up walls,
and the strength to continue to face every obstacle placed in front of
me. These are just a few of the gifts I have been given through this
journey and I’m so thankful for all of them.
So Pat was right – I have received many
gifts from God. These gifts may not have been wrapped in pretty packages, or
placed right before me so that they were instantly recognizable as gifts, but
they are still most precious. I hope that one day, as I continue on
this path, I will feel less broken and more like things are coming into a good
positive place in my life. I’m a work in progress and I’m still pretty wrecked,
but as I continue to heal both physically and emotionally, and as I move
forward, I pray that God continues to send these wonderful life gifts my way
and I also pray that I find the wisdom to recognize them when they are placed
in front of me.
In closing, I’d like to say that we all
have struggles and things we are dealing with. My struggles are no worse
than the things you may be going through. As we transition into a new
year, with a fresh start and clean slate, I hope that we can all better
recognize the true gifts that God places at our feet, just as the wise men
traveled to place such important gifts at the foot of the manger, so long
ago. Let’s bow our heads as I say a prayer:
Dear Lord,
As we go out into your world, and continue
our journey through life, Lord please help us to remember that not all of your
gifts are wrapped in pretty paper. Give us thankful eyes to see all of
your wonderful gifts in disguise. Amen
